My Mom recently passed away.
The loss of a loved one is hard. And while the sadness may ease over time, I’m unsure if you ever get used to not having that person there when you want to talk.
I was very close with my mom. Even though we did not live in the same town, we chatted on the phone almost every day for the past 20 or so years.
I knew I would miss her tremendously, so when she fell ill, I spent as much time with her as I could—asking all of the questions I could. And boy, did I learn so much! She and my dad had been together since first weekend of their freshman year in college, but I discovered they had actually broken up for 10 months—and that she had dated another man! My first thought was, “Wait, I never knew this!” My next thought was, “What else did I not know?”
All too often, we squander our time with the people we still have with us. And while not every conversation needs to be serious, we can hold more appreciation for the ability just to be able to speak with our loved ones..
So, whether you’re at a holiday gathering, a dinner party for work, or simply having a night home with family, I challenge you to take advantage of time with your loved ones by engaging in more meaningful conversations by using these 12 ideas for conversations that matter.
Talk at the table
Many parents skate around the superficial, asking their kids questions like “Hey, how was the math test?” In doing so, kids learn “I need to do well in math” versus “I need to do well in life.”
By asking people more thought-provoking questions about how they approach each day, you can help program them to scan their environment and find insight that will help them for many years to come.
How did you support a friend today?
What did you do to help or serve others?
How did you show compassion or kindness?
Establish values
Giving your attention to someone is a gift, especially with older people. Consider interviewing your parents or grandparents and recording it. Even if you just pull out your phone and make a voice memo.
It may feel weird at first if it is out of context, but embrace the awkwardness. Try cueing up a conversation by saying, “I hope you don’t mind me asking these questions, but I’ve always wondered…” Stay curious and look for a natural inlet. When you get to the heart of someone’s values, you immediately begin to know them on a deeper level.
What is something you are proud of that you did this year?
When was a time when you felt really happy?
Tell me about a time you contributed to a cause greater than yourself.
What do you hope to achieve next year?
Learn something new
People like to talk about themselves. You can use this to your advantage and get into details of their life that you might not otherwise know. Feel awkward? Preface it by saying, “Your life fascinates me” or “I’ve been thinking about my life differently and was wondering about yours.”
What’s one thing I don’t know about you that would surprise me?
What could you tell me now as an adult that you wouldn’t have told me when I was a kid?
Get the kids (and kids at heart) involved
Different age groups will yield different answers, often with hilarious results, and you may get more honest answers from both ends of the spectrum, from both the youngest and the oldest.
If you could have a new family tradition, what would it be?
What was your favorite family vacation and why?
If you really want to go there…(when things get political)
Sometimes, things get heated when it comes to hot-button topics, but approaching these topics with a desire to understand the ideology behind the opinions can help everyone keep their cool.
In times like these, there is no right or wrong. The goal is just to stay out of the Red Zone. When people get cantankerous, they go into attack mode and can’t rationally answer or listen. So, try to keep the conversation neutral and more of a fact-finding mission rather than putting someone on the defensive.
What is it that you really like about that candidate? Or what prompted you to vote that way?
Pro tips for quality conversations
Want to make the conversation flow naturally? It may be uncomfortable at first, but it gets easier with time. By relating to someone’s experience, you are modeling how to have a conversation for your kids. You may even become the person people like to talk to because they feel safe with you, which is admirable.
If you’re feeling stuck, remember to stay curious. Let the conversation evolve by asking questions like “Tell me more. Why did you do that? What did you love about that?”
At the end of the day, you’ll never know what you don’t ask. What might feel awkward now will feel ten times worse if you regret taking advantage of the opportunity when you have it.
My mom is gone now, and while there are so many questions I wish I had asked her, I am forever grateful for the ones that I did.
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